"THANKS FOR THE GRASS, MAN," OR WHY I SHOULDN'T SPEAK SPANISH

I like to fancy myself a polyglot.  I speak French, English, and, I believe I speak Spanish.

The only problem is that others do not always agree with the latter.  Actually, I take it back.  I can fake a really good Spanish accent and I know a lot of Spanish words (both of these because I speak French), which lulls people into a false sense of security that I can actually understand what they are saying and that I can respond in a meaningful way.

I live in a neighborhood that is half Caucasian Americans and half Mexican-Americans.  Many of the wives in the Mexican-American families do not speak English, so I enjoy blithering on in Spanish in the hopes that someone will understand me.

A truly epic moment in my Spanish-speaking career occurred several years back when a Mexican-American family lived in the rental house next door.  They were super nice, they had a cute baby, and I liked to chit chat with the husband (John), who spoke fluent English.  Occasionally, the wife (Ariana) would come out, and I'd try out a little Spanish since she didn't speak English.

John often mowed my front lawn for me because he knew I lived alone with a little child and because he was a good guy.  In exchange, I gave him my son's outgrown baby clothes and car seats and whatever else he and his family could use.  Win-win.

One day, I came home to find my lawn nicely mowed.  Ariana came out of the house as I was pulling into the driveway, so I decided I would use some of my outstanding Spanish to ask her to thank her husband for mowing the lawn for me.

"Por favor, digas a tu esposo gracias por la hierba,"  I practiced in the car.

"Por favor, digas a tu esposo gracias por la hierba,"  I said smoothly and confidently to Ariana.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "Did this girl just tell her neighbor to thank her husband for the dime bag of weed?" and YOU WOULD BE CORRECT! *  That is exactly what I did! **

*Thanks so much for not being there to tell me to shut up.

** Except for the dime bag part... is that even a thing?  I think I heard about in a Snoop Dogg song once.  I don't know... I went to college and all, but I was a good kid.

Ariana looked at me funny and nodded her head like one would do to a small child, and she slooowwwly backed into her house.  Frantically, I gestured to the lawn, but she was gone.

Later, when John came out of his house, I had the good graces to look sheepish as I asked, "I totally thanked your wife for the drugs the other day, didn't I?"  and he nodded kind of sadly and was like, "Yeah.  Yeah, you did." 

And we looked at each other awkwardly, and then he went back in the house.

And that's the end of that.

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So, honestly, I'm good at words in Spanish, and I'm pretty good at faking an accent.  I now actually have a in minor in Spanish.

I am so good at faking a Spanish accent that once, a now-long-retired administrator from my distant past told me I should be able to teach Spanish (before the minor), and that anyway, Spanish and French are both Romance languages, so it should be an easy switch.  

I firmly told him in my head that English and German are both Germanic languages, so can you just teach German since you speak English, Karen?  

Anyway, I made another thing (much like my last thing).  It's also a color-by-verb-conjugation for big kids, but this time it's an ER verb sheet for Spanish.  It's like a color by number and it's available for $2.50 in my Teachers Pay Teachers store (DZ Mars).

I don't even mention illegal substances in it.